Waxing Woes

Written by: Jodie with input from D’be

Thank you, Dee, for this terrific joke for me to tweak and for beta’ing after I’d messed with it. And thank you, Chris D, for sharing your views.

This joke was originally written as a woman in first person. This imaginative writer is unknown but I’d like to credit whoever it was with most of the following account on Kadyn’s day.

Kadyn rushed home from the drugstore and into the bathroom. He wanted to surprise Logan with being able to do his own hair removal. The last few times, Logan had done the waxing in his salon but Kadyn felt it was something he should learn to do for himself. So with a newly purchased kit in hand, he quickly undressed and after only scanning the instructions, got started.

After all, just how difficult could it be with a cold wax system that didn’t require the melting of a clump of wax or the smearing of the hot liquid over one’s private parts? Kadyn figured rubbing strips together in his hand until they got warm, was a great way to go. After warming a strip, he would just have to press it to the appropriate area for the hair to come right off. No muss, no fuss. How hard could it be? It must be fairly easy to attain the end results he wanted, right? He reckoned he was agile enough to do it. 

So without further ado, Kadyn began by pulling one of the shorter, thin strips out. It was actually two strips facing each other and stuck together. But instead of rubbing them together, he opted for heating it with the hair dryer.

He determinedly pressed the first strip across the top-most part of his pubic hair, pulled the skin tight and yanked it off.

‘Okay,’ he thought. ‘It hurts, but it could be worse. I can do this!’

With the next wax strip, he placed one foot on the toilet and moved a little further south. Using the same procedure, he applied a much longer, wider strip along the right side near his leg, dangerously close to his scrotum and stretching, for some reason, down to the inside of his butt cheek. He inhaled deeply, braced himself and tore the strip off.

“Oh my God!” he wailed once he caught his breath. When his vision eventually cleared, he noticed he’d only managed to pull off half of the strip. So taking another deep breath, he swiftly followed through with another daring rip. This time not only did stars appear before his eyes, but he could swear he was hearing cymbals crashing.

“Okay, almost back to normal,” he panted as the pain abated. “Now to check out how I did. I gotta to see how well this worked.”

He held up the strip but there is no hair on it. ‘What’s wrong with the friggin’ wax?’ Slowly he eased his head down, foot still perched on the toilet. He could see the hair that should have been on the strip. Tentatively touching the area, he instantly realized he was touching wax. He ran his fingers over the most sensitive part of his body now covered in cold wax and matted hair, and then made his next big mistake when he lowered the foot he still had propped up. His eyes widened when his genitals stuck to his leg and his butt cheeks sealed shut.  

Penguin walking around the bathroom, he tried to figure out what to do about this latest dilemma he found himself in. “I hope I don’t get the urge to take a dump. With my luck, my head might explode.”

Then an idea struck. “Hot water melts wax! I’ll run the hottest water I can stand so the wax can melt and I can gently wipe it off.”

He slowly eased himself into the tub filled with water slightly hotter than that used to sterilize surgical equipment and sat down. That was when he discovered that the only thing worse than having your special bits glued together, was having them all glued together and then glued to the bottom of the tub in scalding hot water; which by the way, did nothing to melt the wax.

Fortunately, he’d had the presence of mind to keep his cell phone and the kit’s packaging nearby.

His first thought was to call Logan, but he immediately threw out that idea. Once Logan was finished laughing at him, he’d probably begin asking questions Kadyn didn’t feel up to answering. Kadyn would rather destroy the bathroom; possibly pulling the tub attached to his testicles off the wall and trying to find a solvent in the garage to melt the wax sounded like it might be a better way to go.

Kadyn also decided against calling the number on the side of the box. He sure as hell didn’t want to be the joke that made someone else’s day.

After mulling over possible solutions, none of which would have met with success, he ended up letting the water drain out and scraping the wax off with a razor. “Damn it! Nothing feels better than to have your goodies covered in wax, stuck to the tub in super-hot water and then dry shaving the damn stuff off!!” he cursed as he worked.

Then he found some help in the kit’s box. It was the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax. He rubbed some in and hollered, “It works! It works!”

He successfully removed the remainder of the wax and then noticed to his dismay that the hair was still there; all of it. So he went with just shaving the damn stuff off. What the hell, he was already numb at that point. Job done, he rinsed and got out of the tub. Wrapping a towel around his waist, he sneered at the waxing kit and dropped it into the wastebasket.

This was one fiasco he planned to keep quiet about. Well, for the time being at least. It might prove to be a fun story to share some day in the distant future. Of course he’d have to be as drunk as a skunk and with only his best friend and lover.

He paid the price for his ill thought-out actions the rest of the afternoon. Although he wore loose clothing and the shop was air-conditioned, neither prevented him from sweating and chaffing. He finally gave up and begged Ben to work the evening shift. Paying the man overtime was worth it as far as Kadyn was concerned.

Upstairs, he showered and cleaned up the bathroom as best he could. Getting home for once before Logan really worked in his favour. He turned on the overhead fan and stretched out in all his naked glory on their big bed with his limbs spread as wide as possible. The cool circulating air felt like heaven on the irritated areas between his legs. 

He must have dozed off as he didn’t see the sun slowly sinking or hear Logan enter the room. He also missed his lover’s frown of puzzlement at finding the younger man home early than usual and in bed.

Not wanting to disturb his sleeping partner, Logan didn’t bother turning on the overhead light. He simply headed straight for the bathroom to shower and change. It was when he opened a new bar of soap and dropped the wrapper in the waste basket that he found the discarded waxing kit.

“Oh my God,” he thought, closing his eyes. “Dare I look?”

Deciding he had no choice, Logan re-entered the bedroom and turned on a lamp. It was his sitting down on the bed that woke Kadyn.

No words were spoken as Logan intimately examined his partner. Once he’d ascertained for himself that his Brat was only experiencing some discomfort but was not injured, he asked for details. As the story unfolded, Logan worked hard to keep his amusement hidden. His cheeks hurt from biting them and his stomach almost cramped up as he strained to withhold the laughter wanting to escape.

Opening his mouth when Kadyn’s sad tale had ended, was Logan’s undoing. No longer able to hold back his mirth, he gave it free-reign. His Brat’s pout of indignation only made him laugh harder. Eventually even Kadyn saw the humour in the whole affair and joined in.

“That was somewhat careless of you, babe,” Logan commented after regaining control. “I have a good mind to give you lines to write. Maybe something like: ‘Effective immediately, all self-defacing must come to an end.’ Does that sound about right?” Logan waited for his words to sink in before setting the younger man’s mind at ease. “However, I’m going to let it go this one time because I think the pain and embarrassment you’ve caused yourself is punishment enough. But if you ever do something like this again, I won’t be so lenient. You’re mine now and I won’t put up with a repeat performance of you harming what belongs to me. From now on, I do all the waxing in this household. Got it?” His growling of these final words lost a lot of their sternness due to his eyes still sparkling with humour.

“Does that including the waxing of floors and cars?” Kadyn asked in wide-eyed innocence.

“Brat!” Logan chuckled as he lay down next to his partner and took him in his arms. “I wouldn’t count on it if I were you.” 

The End